Kindergarten Snob. By Jemina.

This is me as a nearly 5-foot kindergartener. Note the look of disenchantment on my face due to my hopes and dreams being dashed by my kindergarten teacher, Mrs. Reagin. To be fair, while Joy and I often wax poetic on Syl's more erratic habits and policies, she and Phil did have their bright points. For instance, she made sure all four kids could read before entering school, something that I truly thank them for (and so should you, dear readers, as you probably wouldn't be enjoying this blog if she hadn't!). Syl was constant in her teaching, reiterating the fact that all the other children in my class would already be reading Hemingway by the time our first day of school started. I recall my first day of kindergarten, and being quite unsure of what to expect. I walked my already overgrown legs and feet to the classroom door, and was greeted by my teacher, Mrs. Reagin...who was the same height as me. She looked at me in surprise, then recognition as she said: “you must be one of the Boyd children.” I nodded in acknowledgement, and lumbered to my desk, fearful of all the learnin' that was to be set upon me.

Imagine my surprise when our first lesson was the alphabet- I looked around in disbelief and apparent snobbery when I realized every other child in the classroom was staring at Mrs. Reagin with rapt attention. Surely the alphabet lesson must be some sort of refresher course, and the real trials and tribulations of kindergarten were sure to come?

I gave Mrs. Reagin one month to impress me, and then disappointment set in. To the left of my desk was Stuttering Sally, who took so long to read “Robbie ran right around the room” I was sure Robbie was much older and had completed many a marathon by the time Sally was relieved of her epileptic speech. To my right was Lisping Logan. I felt sorry for Logan, as I quickly realized he'd much rather be cooking soufflés and decoupaging instead of going to speech therapy class every week. I cringed each time Mrs. Reagin assigned him “Sam saw six sets of sticks,” and tried to mouth it correctly for him to no avail.

Suffice it to say, I became disillusioned with Mrs. Reagin and her so-called “kindergarten” quickly. So, I did what any bored child does- started making up excuses to leave class, or even better, be sent home. My personal favorite was “The Granola Puke” trick. After two nauseating hours of C for Cat and D for dog, I'd had enough- I took my snack of granola bars, and slowly began to chew it without swallowing. I managed to shove both granola bars in my mouth and waited for my first shot at acting. Right as we were opening up our reader, I managed to convulse effectively and spit out my granola wad right into the “I See Colors” chapter. Stuttering Sally tried to ask me what was the matter, but only got to “Wha-wha-” when Lisping Logan came by my side and asked if he could whip me up a cold compreth and a carbonated beverage to thoothe my thtomach. I stayed in character and looked at Mrs. Reagin with baleful eyes as she pursed her lips in anger and quickly dismissed me to the school nurse. Syl was called and only felt obliged to pick me up after the nurse told her that no, I could not stay in the office all day.

Syl managed to be quite maternal on the ride home and even asked if I wanted a Happy Meal from McDonalds. I excitedly told her YES! and off to the drive-through we went. I was munching on French fries happily when Syl looked at me with narrowed eyes and stated that my upset stomach was certainly making a comeback and was I aware that lying was a sin? I practically choked on my French fry and gave her a sheepish grin as she told me that I would no longer be able to pull stunts like that in class, and instead told Mrs. Reagin to begin making sure I was actually reading more advanced books in class that would keep me occupied- thus cementing my snobby attitude in school for life.

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