Hello Readers! I wanted to write a letter to all those fans out there who are undoubtedly in love with me. I am sure my daughters’ tales of my sagacious ways have convinced most of you to apply “Syl’s Principles of Economics” by collecting pop cans, making milk, and freezing sandwiches. Because we’re all pretty much one big happy family now, I’ll share my secret to success: have a lot of children. You see, when you have 4 or more children, you can start to delegate responsibilities to them by their third birthdays. For instance, James and Josh started shoveling snow as soon as their tiny hands could grasp the shovel handle. Joy and Jemina were sorting the laundry and washing all of our clothes as soon as they were tall enough to reach the washing machine (i.e., 4 years of age). By delegating chores to your offspring, it leaves more time for you and your spouse to spend time together shopping for matching track suits. Phil and I prefer to show our loyalty to Alabama football by displaying Crimson Tide tracksuits during the fall, and coordinating light green ones during the spring. Early delegation also teaches your children that they have a purpose, and that purpose is to make your life easier.
My children’s stories, though hysterical, often paint me as an unfeeling taskmaster, but I laugh along with the rest of you because I know that I love them and I am deeply committed to helping them reach their goals. Never mind the fact that my goals for them might differ from their goals for themselves—they will realize that I am right in the end. My greatest dream is for my children to marry a deaf person or a C.O.D.A. (Child of Deaf Adult). Since James and Joshua have failed in this respect, all of my proverbial eggs are firmly nestled in Joy’s and Jemina’s baskets. I pray for them daily to find someone who loves the deaf and can sign with their future in-laws fluently. Along with being able to communicate with Phil and I, they must be able to answer—in fluent ASL—the following questions: (1) When will you propose?; (2) What are your immediate and long –term goals in life, work, and religion?; (3) Do you love God more than my daughter? Though my daughters complain that these simple questions are somehow the equivalent of the Spanish Inquisition, I disagree. Despite the fact that I clearly have my daughters’ best interest at heart, they still don’t seem to share details of their dating life with me, which I simply cannot understand. To make matters worse, Joy is nearing 28, and still she refuses to listen to me when I tell her that women over the age of 30 are no longer desirable spouses and are doomed to a lifetime of spinsterhood.
Anyways, I thank all of you again for being loyal fans and if you’re ever in Iowa, come see me and Phil. You’ll be able to find us as we are the only house in Ankeny that proudly displays a 10 foot Alabama flag on its porch. And if you know any deaf or CODA men who are unmarried, please introduce them to Joy. She needs to marry very soon so that she may produce grandchildren who can also sign ASL.
Roll Tide, Syl!
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely glorious. Can she write the rest of them from now on?
ReplyDeleteRock on, Syl!
ReplyDeleteI'll help J-Bo find a six-foot-two (or greater) deaf husband! I wonder if ABC is taking applications for next season's "Bachelorette" . . .